My name is Marty Kaan and I'm a management consultant.
Every week, me and my team go somewhere
and talk people into thinking they really, really need us.
The merger's happening.
And any chance that you had of saving your ass
went down the drain with Pfizer!
The Rainmaker.
We have to stop this train, Marco.
He didn't tell me shit,
because he knows I've got your back.
If Skip wants me out of the business,
let's push his ass out,
or at least take this merger away from MetroCap.
Or both.
I don't know a lot of women. I do know you.
You remember Jeannie Van Der Hooven, right'?
Of course I do.
She has been killing it for us this year.
No! No!
Still not sure what it is I do'?
Trust me, you'll only know
what I want you to know.
Stella McCartney scoop-neck sweater
and a nice pair of wide-leg slacks.
You know what would make it all really fierce?
Crocs.
I'm just gonna come right out and say it--
the movie version of Rent, way better than the play.
Way better.
Nicki Minaj
strangles puppies.
Now that's going too far.
Too far.
All right, you're not going to talk to me,
I'm not gonna talk to you.
Two can play at that-- you have to talk to me!
I'm your father!
Look, I'm not happy about how this whole April thing went down,
but she's gone, all right'?
You gotta talk to me, Roscoe.
You hear me?
What'?
I think you're just gonna have to back up
and give Roscoe his space.
Respect his silence.
Respect his right to individuate.
Oh, I think he's individuated.
Hey, Grandpa, can you move your doctor's appointment?
I don't want him picking me up from school today.
Oh, "him" is gonna pick you up from school today.
You can count on that. -Okay, okay.
Roscoe, I think you need to speak to your father.
Let him know what you're feeling, okay?
That's the same thing Aaron said.
If I talk to Dad, he's gonna think everything's okay,
and nothing will ever change.
Who's Aaron?
Fuck is Aaron?
It's Monica's new friend.
Oh, so Monica's new boy toy
is giving my son parental advice now?
That how that works?
You get that out of your thought right now, son.
Hey, what's up'?
Till when?
Yeah. Shit.
Fix it. -Yeah.
"Total Eclipse of the Heart"...
Ugh, Doug-- "Dust in the Wind"? No.
Two tracks from Jackson Browne.
You need to put two tracks on here.
Yeah, I don't expect a layman to get it, all right'?
Making a great mix CD requires a level of guile and-and wit
that you could not possibly understand, okay?
No, you could-- please don't touch that.
You have to make an order.
You gotta find the right balance of fast and slow.
Bolting upright at 3:00 a.m., haunted by that one track
you know did not fit the unifying motif.
Doug, you're fucking insane.
I disagree.
Now, let me tell you something.
I happen to think that earnest songs scare you.
That's right. -I think that you're afraid to feel something.
I think that I'm afraid of listening to total crap.
Clyde, you are an emotional infant.
Doug, you have horse-shit taste in music.
Did you not hear'? -What?
The merger vote has been moved up.
The partners are assembling tonight at 7:00.
Fuck. -Yeah.
You know, people love my mix CDs.
Doug, did you hear what Jeannie just said?
I did, yes.
We are hours away from getting
our professional assholes jackhammered
by Metro Capital's Milton Berle-size cock.
Well, this is perfect timing, then.
People say my mixes are a great source of comfort
in difficult times.
You know, when I was making my 9/11 mix--
You made a 9/11 mix? -So...
Yeah, it's when I first discovered my, uh, my gift.
The terrorists have truly won.
You like, uh, Buddhism, right'?
I haven't given it much thought.
Actually, I've studied Buddhism for years.
Really?
Well, I, uh, recently discovered the teachings of Buddha.
Huge fan. Love that little fat man.
So there's this Buddhist retreat up in Santa Cruz.
Yoga, meditation, snacks-- hoping for raita--
yogurt and cucumbers, yum!
Is it an open invitation? -Oh, it's couples only.
Well, you guys could-- if you want- -We're not a couple.
You know, I think I'm gonna pass.
If this is about the merger, you should know
I feel bad about
the small role I played in that.
The small role you played, Greg, was making the merger happen.
Right there. Right there. This.
This is what makes us great.
The back and forth, the he said, she said.
Boom-boom, boom-boom! It's so, it's screwball.
I'm gonna get a cup of coffee from downstairs.
Smart. -More banter.
I love this! It's great!
Never say die, Marty, but as of now, we do not have the votes.
What about Millar and Calhoun? -Who'?
Eyebrows and ink stain.
You want to take a run at those ancient fucks, be my guest.
If you can pry 'em away from the Bingo table.
They survived this long 'cause they know which way the wind blows.
The guy with the power is pro-merger, they're pro-merger.
And right now, Skip is the guy with the power.
And what the fuck is up with your white knight?
You know, when they moved up the vote,
it threw Cazuelas as well.
He's getting his ducks in a row.
Hey, Roscoe.
Roscoe...
I know you're there; I can hear you breathing.
Yeah, okay, I'm hanging up now.
Man, he picked the perfect time to become a teenager.
You ain't seen nothin' yet.
You know, around Roscoe's age,
my sweet daughter metamorphosed into a she- beast.
Ugh... -But the good news
is it doesn't last-- four years, five, tops.
Now she's Daddy's little girl again.
Five years? That's all? That's fantastic.
They come around.
It's incredible.
Whatever happens here, today,
just hang on to that.
You left this the other night.
These aren't mine.
I'm sure you have a lot of jewelry;
maybe you just forgot.
Can we just not, please?
I wasn't operating under the assumption
that you weren't...
Oh, that's good.
Good.
Not like you can stake out the moral high ground, anyway.
Nope.
Hi, Greg.
Rain man.
Uh... maker. Rainmaker.
Uh, Marco.
Seriously?
I've hit rock bottom.
I'm really sorry to hear that, Greg, but...
Funny thing is, you know
you spend your life circling the bottom,
fooling yourself that you're not actually circling the bottom,
clinging to those parts of your existence
you think you need to survive,
but are, in fact, the very reason you're circling...
the bottom.
Human nature, right'?
Who the fuck designed us, right'?
I don't know, Greg.
I'd kill that merger for you.
Kill it dead.
What'?!
I'd choke the life out of that thing for you.
H-How exactly would you do that?
You know Fresh and Tinies, those little breath strips
that, uh, they make your breath fresh, and they're really...
Tiny? -Yeah. Right.
I go through like three packs a day.
Fresh breath is, uh...
an obsession.
Minty.
Oh... right.
Major cash cow for ConHealth.
Half a billion in sales in the first year alone.
And the patent is priceless.
Where is this going, Greg?
Skip helped bring them to market.
In fact, that fancy beach house in sunny Laguna
was bought and paid for
in no small part by the ten-mill ConHealth
deposited in Skip's passbook savings account.
Are you saying ConHealth paid Skip ten million in fees'?
That would be... that would be excessive, wouldn't it'?
Especially because Skip wasn't consulting ConHealth.
Not officially, anyway.
He was, however, consulting Rogers & Rogers...
their arch-rival.
Skip sold the technology.
Boom.
Daddy...
we have something that's going to make you very happy.
Well, two things, actually.
Doug, nobody gives a fuck about your mix CD.
Okay.
No.
Holy shit.
Are you fucking...
Where did you get this?
I was tipped off by Norbert.
What, he gave you this out of the goodness of his heart?
Turns out Norbert wants to fuck Jeannie.
Preferably in Santa Cruz in a big pool of cucumber dip.
Whatever. Somethings going on
with Norbert, okay? He's changed. I don't know.
He's not the same guy that we met in New York.
Wow. -All that information,
has been independently verified.
That's real, Daddy.
Go away, go away. -So you're good? You're good, right'?
Yeah, and thanks. -You're welcome.
Okay.
A little early for the vote, aren't you?
Or were you trying to move it up again?
Fuck me up in some way?
Suck my dick.
Skippy, language.
No, suck my dick.
I'm not trying to be crude or anything. It's a serious offer.
If you fellate me, I will change my vote.
How's that? Don't get me wrong--
I'm not gay or anything, never had
a gay thought really. Certainly not, uh...
attracted to you.
It's just the thought
of Marty Kaan getting down on his knees
and you know, doing what he's got to do to save his skin.
I don't know-- it's very arousing.
You know what, maybe I should suck your dick.
I've already got your balls in my hand.
You're going to want to look at that.
I've highlighted the real tasty bits.
Now I know you wanted a seat at the big boy table
and all of the goodies that go along with it.
And it's going to be hard, oh, so very hard for YOU,
but you're going to vote to kill the merger.
No. Not going to happen.
You know, if this were to be disseminated,
you'd be through here.
I mean, Jesus Christ, you'd be through everywhere.
And where would you be'?
In this little world that we operate in,
there isn't a very generous spirit
to whistle-blowers.
Go ahead, make it public.
Mutually-assured destruction.
You're a student of the Cold War.
Oh, God, I love the Cold War! -It's fascinating, isn't it'?
I am a big fan. -Yeah. Well, then I'm sure you're also aware
that the deterrent aspect of mutually-assured destruction
is predicated on the assumption that both parties are rational.
Yeah. -Now, you, while not being
a good person by any stretch,
are at least a rational individual.
I, on the other hand-
I'm a goddamn terrorist.
And I will crash my 767--
phew--
right into your prodigious fucking forehead.
So Skip thought he had me on the ropes, right'? - Uh-huh. Yeah.
And then I turned.
And I carried him for about six seconds. -Uh- huh.
And then bang! Whoa!
Down goes...
Frazier! ...Frazier!
Oh, man, you are the king, man. You're a god.
Ooh!
Holy shit, shit!
I am so sorry.
Well, you should have seen him outside that school today.
He was scared and alone. -I know.
Thank God he called me. Monica, take it easy. - Okay.
Listen, I-- I got caught up at work, okay?
It's-It's never going to happen again, I promise.
Roscoe?
Roscoe's a sweet kid. He'll come around.
Marty, there's somebody that I want you to meet.
Aaron Matthews.
Aaron. -Yeah.
I was having the most horrible migraines,
so I went in to get an MRI, and Aaron was my radiologist.
Oh! It was kismet.
Wow, he's seen the inside of your head
and he still wants to date you.
Ah, that's cute. -Yeah.
So in regards to, uh, Roscoe... -Yeah?
My sense-
he just wants to feel like you put him
first occasionally.
You're a clinical psychologist?
Radiologist. -Radiologist. -Oh, radiologist.
Oh, it's Aaron, right'? Right.
Yeah, shut the fuck up!
Can I talk to you over here for a second? -Wow.
Give me one second.
Wow, he's great, isn't he?
Oh, he is a dreamboat.
But listen, it's not me you need to convince
that you and Johnny X-Ray would make a wonderful home for Roscoe.
No, it's the family court judge.
It's not about custody.
No? -Uh-uh.
I think he might actually be the... -Don't. Don't say "the one."
I hope that you can find someone emotionally healthy... -Wait a minute.
You should find somebody that can nurture you and care for you
like Aaron cares for me. -What's happening here?
Are you giving me relationship advice? 'Cause that's fucking bananas.
I think you need it.
Hey, Pop.
Hey, that's Aaron.
I-low you doing?
Aw, hell.
Hey, Tara. -What up, Tara'?
Hey, guys.
Hey, Jeannie. -Hey.
I like your earrings.
Oh, thanks.
No.
Fuck, she's hot. -Yeah.
She's so hot. -God.
I just want to encase her in wax and put her in a glass box,
you know what I mean...? Oh, shit.
Doug is now giving me $20 every time he says something
that makes him sound like a serial killer.
Thank you, Douglas.
Tara's fine, I guess.
Fine? Jeannie, that's what you think fine looks like?
Maybe she means foiiin! -Jeannie, do you mean foiiin?
She's got the kind of looks you can tell aren't going to age well.
Oh, my God, Jeannie, you're right.
I didn't notice it before, but she's fucking heinous.
You know, Tara is fucking the Rainmaker.
Shut up.
What? -Mm-hmm.
No. He's, like, a thousand.
He's not a thousand.
That Tara'? She could get anyone she wants.
Why would she...? With the Rainmaker?
McFly, she's fucking her way to the top.
And honestly, if I thought it would grease the wheels,
I would run a train on Eyebrows
and Ink Stain. -No, I get it. Me, too.
You know, to grease my wheels, I'd watch those old coots
sex up their wives, you know. Hell, I'd film it.
Now what happened? -Yeah! Shit.
I want to bank some. -Smart.
I'm sure her reasons are more complicated than that.
Complicated how? -I don't know, Clyde.
I'm not a fucking Tara expert! -What the fuck just happened?
Hey, GUYS, guys.
Is he...'?
Oh, my God.
What the hell are you doing?
What? Just leaving you a little present.
You know, to remember me by.
It's not an Almond Joy.
So don't eat it.
Or do. You know, your call.
Just couldn't resist
leaking our little secret to the senior partners, huh?
What are you... I didn't leak any secret to the senior...
I'm out, Marty! I am out!
You happy?
The firm has put my shares in escrow
pending a criminal investigation.
Jesus, Skip, I didn't leak anything, okay?
Why would I do that?
I don't know-- because your buddy
the Rainmaker now sits atop the throne.
Because you're a fucking sociopath! I don't know
why you do anything you do!
In about five minutes, a security guard will emerge
from that elevator and escort me...
out of my own building.
I'll pass those big letters out front-- Galweather Steam.
I don't own my own name.
You ripped away my name from me!
You just started World War Ill, pal.
You better nuke up.
Oh, by the way, I left another couple of little presents around here somewhere.
Good luck finding them.
Oh, yeah. -What was that about?
That's... -Yeah. Oh, my God.
That is about somebody
leaked the info.
Turns out soul suckers
like Greg Norbert don't have any hidden depths, Jeannie.
I thought he...
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you know, it doesn't seem that bad to me.
Hey, Doug, Skip just dropped a couple of Jackson Brownes inside Marty's briefcase.
So I kind of think... -How dare you!
Jackson Browne is not only a terrific songwriter... -Shut the fuck up.
He is a committed environmentalist, who... - Doug, shut the fuck up!
It's okay. Okay, it's fine, I'm fine.
I'm digressing.
Look, what I'm trying to say is that I-I don't understand
why everyone's acting like it's the end of the world.
Honestly, Eyebrows and Ink Stain will line up
behind the Rainmaker, because he's the most powerful man in the room.
Which means the votes are there to kill the merger.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that was the goal.
Wasn't it'?
Come on, so you got a little blindsided.
So there's some caca in your Hermes bag.
Big whoop.
You know, if someone had told us three months ago
that we'd be standing here, a little dinged up,
a few sleepless nights under our belts, but alive,
hey, you got to turn that frown
upside down.
We should be celebrating,
I think.
I mean, right'?
Yeah, you're right. You're right.
So what?
Harrison Galweather the Third
took a big shit in my briefcase.
That case was getting pretty banged up anyway.
Yes, it was. -Yeah. If you're getting a new one,
um, I'll have that one.
Doug!
Why are you... why are you laughing? -I'm serious.
Oh, you can have it. -Really?
Yuck.
Eyebrows and Ink Stain are here.
A yes vote indicates a preference for the merger.
Sorry we're late.
I-I couldn't find my car.
Welcome, gentlemen.
Have a seat.
And a no vote indicates...
You get it.
Oh, for the love of Mike.
Stuart, you want to start us off'?
I vote yes.
No. I vote no.
Yes.
Uh, yes.
Yes.
I vote yes.
Hey, buddy.
'What do you want me to say, Marty'? How about
"Whoo! Did it.
"Finally got my seat at the big boy table.
Didn't even get my hands dirty."
You know what else you could say?
"Hey, you ever hear the one about the sap
who fucking trusted everything I said?"
Look, will you sit down'?
Come on. Let's talk.
I'd love to do that, but I got to go
down the hall and congratulate Norbert.
Norbert didn't know anything.
What do you mean, he didn't know anything?
He didn't.
He knew what I put there for him to see.
When he told Jeannie what he told her,
he really thought he was killing the merger.
You know he had a genuine epiphany?
I mean, like, he was reborn.
I can't believe this shit, man.
This is the kind of shit we do to other people.
You hate my guts. I get it.
Go fuck yourself, man.
Look, this is not personal.
It... it's...
I know. Forget it.
No. No.
Marty. -No! What's going on'?
Okay, hold it. -That was really close.
This one's going in, though.
Oh, is it'? -On, no, no! -It's a numbers game.
Oh, what...
Dude!
My bad, man.
Three out of 24 ain't bad. -These are not
regulation peanuts. -Good point-- if they had
been properly dimensioned peanuts...
That whole handful would have gone in. - Absolutely.
Really? -Last call.
I don't have to go home,
but I got to get the hell out of here, right'?
Are you okay?
Yeah. No, I'm fine.
Yeah? Why don't you stick around and tell me what's wrong?
I've had a great time.
This has been so much fun.
It's exactly what I needed--
you pouring me drinks, me drinking the drinks.
But I don't really know you.
I don't want to be rude-- it's just,
I don't think I should start...
Why don't I catch you up'?
I'm 26 years old.
Uh, hold on a second.
Oh, you're going to take notes.
I got to get this clown. Yeah.
26 years old. -26.
I was born and raised in L.A.
Divorced parents.
Uh, lived with my mom.
That old chestnut. -Mm-hmm.
I've had three serious relationships.
Wow. -Two I ended,
one who broke my heart.
Like the bumper sticker says, I'd rather be surfing.
Dogs, not cats.
Fuck cats. Hate cats. -Yeah.
Gross. -Why'd God make them?
Uh, my favorite Bronte sister is, uh, Charlotte.
You have a favorite Bronte sister?
That's 'cause I was a lit major at Yale.
But it does raise an interesting question.
Why is an Ivy League grad
hawking drinks at a dive bar in Mar Vista?
You've been asked this before.
Yes, I have“ a lot.
And you answer...?
I say that I don't know.
But I'm happy-
That's emotionally healthy. -Yeah.
Thank you. You say it like it's a bad thing.
No, no, no. I was...
I'm... somebody said something earlier to me today,
and th-that's... that's a good answer.
It's-it's a very good thing.
Emotionally healthy. -Thank you.
Enough stalling.
Bare your soul.
I don't want to play.
Why?
I think the only reason you've been talking to me
is because you think I'm a decent person,
and if I start unpacking my soul,
you're going to... you're going to hate me.
I'll hate you if you don't bare your soul.
Um...
I had a huge professional setback today.
Somebody who I trusted,
somebody who I respected, singled me out
and spun me around and stabbed me right in the back
God, that's awful. I'm sorry.
Yeah, shit, I probably deserved it.
Have a ten-year-old who hasn't spoken
to me in four clays.
I made a bad decision, and...
there are consequences, right?
His childhood has just...
he's had so much shit thrown at him,
and he's always just taken it in stride.
You know, with a smile,
a little... a little song and dance.
He's a musical theater geek.
That's very cute.
He didn't really shrug this one off
like I'd hoped, and, um...
I-I haven't really been able to... to... to help,
because I'm so dug in at work.
Fathers get busy-- it doesn't mean
that they don't want to be with their...
No, it's not... it's not...
No, I was busy. I was busy.
I am busy.
You know, work...
there's a lot of pressing issues at work.
But that's how I want it,
because I know what I'm doing at work.
And at home, with him...
I don't have a fucking clue.
And I love him.
I really do.
I love him so fucking much, and I'm just...
I'm failing him,
and I know it.
And I can't stop it.
And I've said too much.
No. No. Not at all. -Yes, I did.
Look, thank you. I'm going to take off.
I appreciate it. -Uh, wait.
Actually, are you hungry at all?
Am I hungry? -Yeah,
because I'm starving.
And I don't know your stance on hamburgers,
but I know a place where you can get,
like, the best hamburger of your life.
Wow. That was a great ham burger.
You, too.
Um, a cigarette?
Uh, no, thank you.
All right.
I'm out.
I know, I'm a total poseur.
Hey, Rosie.
This you and your dad'?
Don't look at that.
Why not?
It's embarrassing. -No, it's not.
It's sweet.
Daddy's little girl, huh'?
I like that.
No fucking way. -What?
That is fucking crazy.
I know this guy.
How do you know my clad'?
Uh, our... our paths crossed in business.
Small world.
Um... you can stay if you want.
I would love to, but I got to get home to my kid.
Right.
Okay.
Hold on one second.
Call me.
Okay.
Hey.
Tell your dad next time you talk to him
that Marty Kaan says hello.
Bye, Marty-
Hmm.
Come on.
Fuck. Don't fucking...
Shit!
Fuck!